Old: You buy me a drink.
New: You buy me a non-alcoholic drink because it’s 2025 and I’m committed to my health, plus I want to figure out if I actually like you or if it was just the beer glasses that made me swipe right.
Old: You show me your bookshelf.
New: You show me what you currently have checked out from your neighborhood’s branch of the city library.
Old: You wax poetic about your love of independent cinema.
New: You put your money where your mouth is and have an annual membership to your local indie film theater.
Old: You proclaim a love of “iced coffee” on your Hinge profile.
New: We meet for iced Americanos and engage in a spirited debate about the merits of cold brew versus nitro.
Old: You share a funny/crazy/memorable travel story to seem adventurous and outgoing.
New: We go to JFK, hop on the next flight going anywhere and CREATE a funny/crazy/memorable travel story. Watch out, Indianapolis!
Old: Your simple pleasures include coffee in bed on Sunday mornings, hanging out in the park and a cold beer on a hot summer day.
New: Your simple pleasures include a liveable minimum wage, unionization efforts and democratic control of the means of production.
Old: You laugh at all of my jokes to get me in bed.
New: You laugh at my jokes because it is my job to make you laugh as a professional humorist – and because I am a genuinely funny person.
Old: You drone on and on about where you see yourself in 5 years and your life goals.
New: You listen to me as I dazzle you about where I see myself in 5 years and my goals.
Old: You ask for my father’s blessing before you propose.
New: You ask for my dog’s blessing before you propose – that we will decide our future together regardless of societal expectations or family pressures.
Amy Currul is a comedy writer and doughnut enthusiast living in Brooklyn, NY. Her work has appeared in McSweeney’s, Slackjaw, Weekly Humorist, The Belladonnas and Points in Case. She is a contributing writer for satire website The Hard Times, as well as for The Armory Comedy’s house sketch team Face Tape. You can find her in the snack aisle at your local grocery store or on Twitter at @AmyCurrul.
Muse & Fury Lit 