“The belongingness hypothesis suggests that humans have a fundamental need to form and maintain meaningful social bonds. Yet two contradictory impulses seem to guide associative behaviors: the need for inclusion and the tendency for in-group preference. The phenomenon of invited unfriending—posting message(s) on social media petitioning those who differ from the poster on some stance to sever the relationship—exemplifies this tension.”
-Floyd, Matheny, Dinsmore, Custer, and Woo,
American Journal of Applied Psychology, 2019
Unfriend me now if:
You voted Republican.
You voted Democrat.
You voted independent but wrote in “Bart Simpson,” who is a child and ineligible.
You can’t handle the truth, and if “You can’t handle the truth” isn’t your favorite line from “A Few Good Men.”
You haven’t “liked” my latest pictures of the kids swimming, performing virtual-reality parkour, jumping in a mud puddle while I’m in the background imitating Munch’s “The Scream,” doing glitter crafts, or standing beside a tree while smiling.
You’ve ever tried to “flood the timeline with positivity”—with stock photos of a meadow or a leaping golden retriever—in the same week you described Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez as “shrill.”
You RSVP’d on Facebook but didn’t come to my Scentsy Spring Scent Event, even though I gave multiple page views to your SeneGence Face Serum Soiree.
After two decades of hindsight, you continue to insist that “Shakespeare in Love” was the justified Best Picture winner over “Saving Private Ryan.”
You didn’t laugh to yourself or at least give a “thumbs-up” when I posted that hilarious “Saving Ryan’s Privates” video.
You don’t like cake. I’m sorry, what? Future Cake Boss here. Frosting hair, don’t care. There’s fondant under my fingernails. It’s like you barely know me. Wait, do we know each other?
You react with judgy emojis to friends’ Instagram stories about cannabis gummies, without researching whether they live in places where it’s legal to consume cannabis gummies.
You believe Sammy Hagar was a superior lead singer to David Lee Roth in Van Halen, and furthermore, delete me this instant if you did not put a heart on Valerie Bertinelli’s beautiful post to her late ex-husband, Eddie Van Halen. (They stayed friends!)
You have an opportunity to get in at the ground floor of your new business, a pyramid scheme for VeggieCleanse Vitamins, which taste like lawn.
You shared a how-to video for Brunchy Crunchy Broccoli Bake, but did not acknowledge using my recipe. Remember unfriending your cousin for the same thing? Ms. Copycat Instagrammed your Easy Cheesy Potatoes, which honestly are quite labor-intensive.
You ignored my message about “picking your brain.” Now I’ll never be able to write my book.
You’re the moderator who removed my crowdsourcing post from the school group page. That’s censorship, and it’s unconstitutional. Now I’ll never know which teachers are indoctrinating students. No, my children aren’t in school. Why?
You’ve already read my 3 a.m. sext, “You are unbelievably hot.” It was inappropriate given my relationship status, which is married, and not to you. If possible, please delete unread. No further unfriending action is required on your part.
You hate macramé. Why share that, weirdo? You know I’ve fallen in love with the woven arts.
You can’t handle me going LIVE from Disney World for the fifth time today. (And it’s only 9:07 a.m.!)
You have a peanut allergy. This is a pro-nut account.
You didn’t retweet the unsourced Radical Science Tips for Better Health, despite my plea for fifteen friends to share. I found the link flashing beside a new secret recipe for Brunchy Crunchy Broccoli Bake. So scrumptious. And I’m keeping this one to myself.
Ugh, you won’t unfriend me? Fine. I’m deleting my account from this website in five, four, three, two, one…way to find me is on Bluesky. Also Threads. Same username.
Sarah Layden is the author of Imagine Your Life Like This, stories; Trip Through Your Wires, a novel; and The Story I Tell Myself About Myself, a flash fiction chapbook. She is co-author with Bryan Furuness of The Invisible Art of Literary Editing. Her short humor and satire can be found in McSweeney’s, The Belladonna, The Washington Post, Salon, Points in Case, Weekly Humorist, Slackjaw, and elsewhere.
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